I'm Not Going to Lie; Using BYU Internet Makes Me Paranoid

Seriously, it does. I always feel like there is someone in OIT monitoring everything that I am doing on the internet, as if he is paid to make sure I "hold to the rod." And every time I attempt to access a page that is blocked by BYU servers, whether I am aware it was or not, I feel like an additional flag goes by my name to tell that worker, "Heads up! This student maybe be deviating!"

I was getting on my computer tonight, of course to access the internet, and for some reason I was signed off of the internet. To use BYU internet, you have to sign in first so they know you're a student (and so they know who you are and what you're looking at). It was weird because normally I do not have to sign back in if my computer was just in sleep mode. Anyway, I went to sign in, and Firefox (that I have just recently converted to) warned me something about how I was trying to access one server, but another one was in the way (BYU). And then it said that "this server may be trying to intercept the information that you are transferring" or something. Basically, it was warning me that BYU could intercept anything that was going through my computer. And that creeps me out.

And ugh, AOL is extremely slow now. I used it to get passed the filter for MySpace and YouTube, but I guess they figured that the only way to stop AOL considering the way it works was by making it impossible to use. Ridiculous. Sorry for wanting to network with my friends back home or watch a YouTube video of stand-up or maybe dance.

Anyway, BYU has a few different filters. There is one for violence, sexual content, and then "Custom Block List." The last one is absolutely ridiculous. Those are the websites that BYU deems immoral for its students, but the rest of the world uses. Such websites are MySpace and YouTube. But wait, those sites might have PORN on them. Maybe, just maybe you'll stumble upon them and become addicted! Because no other website in the entire world will have an ad on it with something scandalous that BYU hasn't missed.

BYU is all-powerful in cyberspace, didn't you know? I feel excessively spiritual when I use the internet, as if President Samuelson himself was looking over my shoulder and approving each website I visited.

I think this censoring of the internet and everything we view does not make the world our campus, as BYU's slogan implies. Rather, it blocks out the real world. The bubble that is BYU campus does not help the students learn to cope in the real world; it numbs them to it, so they won't know what to do when they leave.

I am convinced, and I would totally invest in this TV show if it were considered, that I have a good idea for TV. I think there should be a reality show that follows Molly Mormons or Peter Priesthoods after they leave BYU to move into a larger city. New York, Los Angeles, New Orleans, or any sizeable city with enough stuff that doesn't meet the Honor Code to make their hair stand on ends. There could even be a portion to bet whether they can assimilate into the real world or if they move back to the Happy Valley! That show would make bank. MTV, where are you?

Cynical, yes. But realistic, too.

If You Ever See Me With a Daily Universe, It'll Be a Wednesday to Read About BYU Weekly Crime.

Yes, it's true. The only reason I'll read the BYU newspaper on a regular basis is for Police Beat. This is the weekly summary of the juiciest crime on campus. And let me tell you, BYU get can get pretty devious.

Actually, it's probably the most ridiculous thing you can read. Seriously, it's a campus with a bunch of Mormon crazies. That, or it's people who actually live in reality and if they want to do something criminal, they know how to get away with it. The BYU police probably does not have much experience with organized crime...but that's just a guess. For some reason, I think most of their experience lies in slowing down speedy guys on bikes or telling a kid who wear a cloak and sings that he's distrubing the peace.

Every so often, we'll get a really juicy one like this:

"A female student was cited for shoplifting in the BYU Bookstore. The student stole $3.69 worth of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. When asked why she stole them she said that she thoguht they were overpriced. When searched officers found $72 in cash on her person."

Really? That's all you've got? Seriously, I bet that same day someone was sneaking a triple combination out the door, or maybe slipped a new CTR ring in their pocket. This girl must've been hella dumb for not being able to get away with freaking candy. Not that I'm advocating crime, because I'm not and am glad she got caught, but she just sucks at crime lol.

She'd probably have turned herself in a couple days later anyway.

A couple of my other favorites for the week follow here with commentary.

"A student called BYU police when she ntoiced three suspicious males walking around a parking lot. When police responded they determined that the suspicious males were actually grounds crew who had been picking up trash."

Ok, this girl thought these three men were suspicious? They were picking up trash. She must have an awful case of paranoia if three guys picking stuff off the parking lot are suspicious to her. Wrappers and empty Sprite bottles are exceesively dangerous if used in a criminal setting, but Heaven forbid that she would see them pick up a caffiene Coke can! I'm sure she'd have a heart attack.

So, I was trying to decide which is better for my last one, but they're both great so I'll let you decide.

"A resident of Heritage Halls called BYU police to report a group of men playing basketball and listening to loud music at 12:30 am. BYU police told the men to stop playing and go to bed."

Because your basketball skills and (probably) hip rap music are spiritually harming some innocent soul on a Friday night. We all know it's illegal to play basketball after 10:00pm anyway, because that is the same time that everything closes in this Happy Valley.

"A male student posted fliers on female dorm halls asking for dates to satisfy a dating requirement for his marriage preparation class. The fliers not only violate BYU policy but were disturbing female residents. Police discovered that the student was not enrolled in that class and the professor he said he had has retired."

I this guy is hilarious. That's a funny idea, and I'd love to be there when he tells his dates that he's really not in class and is just desperate. Then again, he could just go to BYU speed dating for people who can't get dates. After all, the slogan there is "Meet people who are in your same situation." Yes, please. Acquaint me with others who cannot get dates either. We'll all be desperate together.

I also wondered why it would violate BYU policy to post fliers to ask for dates. I think I figured it out, though. Ask one girl on a date, date her exclusively, then temple. ASAP. We don't have time for trying others out.

Ending an Exam at 12:00 Is Good for Tripping Up Students that Don't Memorize the Syllabus

Honestly, I do not understand the policy where professors may choose to have their last exam administered in the middle of the day.

Why? Are you serious? I don't see and reasoning behind it. Except to trip people who don't read the syllabus every day of their lives.

I guess skipping my daily syllabus reading got me in this. I missed my World Religions exam because, unknown to me, he made the deadline noon. I arrived at the testing center at 3:30 ready to ace Sikhism through Shinto to find out that No. You did not do your daily syllabus exercises. Last exam at 12:00. Screwed.

I love this class, but seriously. At least he provides re-tests for people not happy with their grades for the first two tests. A 0 is a bit sub-par for me, so I guess I'll re-test it.

I did email him, but I think he'll just tell me to do that. Oh well, more study time I guess.

Testing Center is dumb. I like the concept of being able to take a test for a few days and in your own schedule so it does not get in the way of class, but they have all these weird rules. Ending some tests at noon is a great idea because.....................yeah. Oh, and charging $5 for taking some tests on the last day makes sense because...................oh yeah! You're paying $5 for studying more!

Money = study = better grade maybe. That means Money = better grade. Honor Code, is that right? Something seems a bit like....bribery. But never mind, you're the expert on all things moral and right.

A Girl Sitting On the Ground Outside My Window Will Result in Sexual Intercourse. Definitely.

Last night at 2:00am, as I sat at my computer completely frustrated about my psychology essay about anything in the DSM-IV or encyclopedia, Moe wanted to recount a story to me that may be found on her blog (see link).

She did not have a phone to call, however, and did not want to type it all out through messenger. So, she came to my window, I openned it, and she sat outside on the ground while we laughed hysterically for about 15 minutes. After she left, I returned to my desk to write my essay (that ended up just summarizing the broad areas of psychology and opportunities within the field) and soon recieved a text that one of my roommates was upset because it sounded as though a girl snuck in my room in the middle of the night.

*GASP* Heaven forbid that there would be a girl in my room after midnight! And that you would be upset about it because it is completely your business.

No, I actually did not break the Honor Code. The opposite sex was not in my room, not in the apartment after midnight, and there was nothing inappropriate happening. Because you know me, I love those sexual rendez-vous in the middle of the night with Moe where we laugh about clogged toilets. Take your self-righteous attitude (and your awkward use of profanity, for that matter) elsewhere. I don't have time, and I'm not having it.

Seriously. I'm at a university, not a summer camp. I don't need all of these ridiculous rules to keep my pants on. Self-control, people. I hope this bubble pops.

Personally, I think there should be a reality show for people who graduate from BYU and move somewhere far away that follows their reactions. That would make bank. MTV, where are you?

Or maybe that's just me being slightly cynical.