Yes, it's true. The only reason I'll read the BYU newspaper on a regular basis is for Police Beat. This is the weekly summary of the juiciest crime on campus. And let me tell you, BYU get can get pretty devious.
Actually, it's probably the most ridiculous thing you can read. Seriously, it's a campus with a bunch of Mormon crazies. That, or it's people who actually live in reality and if they want to do something criminal, they know how to get away with it. The BYU police probably does not have much experience with organized crime...but that's just a guess. For some reason, I think most of their experience lies in slowing down speedy guys on bikes or telling a kid who wear a cloak and sings that he's distrubing the peace.
Every so often, we'll get a really juicy one like this:
"A female student was cited for shoplifting in the BYU Bookstore. The student stole $3.69 worth of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. When asked why she stole them she said that she thoguht they were overpriced. When searched officers found $72 in cash on her person."
Really? That's all you've got? Seriously, I bet that same day someone was sneaking a triple combination out the door, or maybe slipped a new CTR ring in their pocket. This girl must've been hella dumb for not being able to get away with freaking candy. Not that I'm advocating crime, because I'm not and am glad she got caught, but she just sucks at crime lol.
She'd probably have turned herself in a couple days later anyway.
A couple of my other favorites for the week follow here with commentary.
"A student called BYU police when she ntoiced three suspicious males walking around a parking lot. When police responded they determined that the suspicious males were actually grounds crew who had been picking up trash."
Ok, this girl thought these three men were suspicious? They were picking up trash. She must have an awful case of paranoia if three guys picking stuff off the parking lot are suspicious to her. Wrappers and empty Sprite bottles are exceesively dangerous if used in a criminal setting, but Heaven forbid that she would see them pick up a caffiene Coke can! I'm sure she'd have a heart attack.
So, I was trying to decide which is better for my last one, but they're both great so I'll let you decide.
"A resident of Heritage Halls called BYU police to report a group of men playing basketball and listening to loud music at 12:30 am. BYU police told the men to stop playing and go to bed."
Because your basketball skills and (probably) hip rap music are spiritually harming some innocent soul on a Friday night. We all know it's illegal to play basketball after 10:00pm anyway, because that is the same time that everything closes in this Happy Valley.
"A male student posted fliers on female dorm halls asking for dates to satisfy a dating requirement for his marriage preparation class. The fliers not only violate BYU policy but were disturbing female residents. Police discovered that the student was not enrolled in that class and the professor he said he had has retired."
I this guy is hilarious. That's a funny idea, and I'd love to be there when he tells his dates that he's really not in class and is just desperate. Then again, he could just go to BYU speed dating for people who can't get dates. After all, the slogan there is "Meet people who are in your same situation." Yes, please. Acquaint me with others who cannot get dates either. We'll all be desperate together.
I also wondered why it would violate BYU policy to post fliers to ask for dates. I think I figured it out, though. Ask one girl on a date, date her exclusively, then temple. ASAP. We don't have time for trying others out.
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2 comments:
Suspicious man seen rifling through car. Later found out that man was owner of said car.
Really?!
Yes! It is now one of my goals to get mentioned in the police beat!
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